The 20 Seconds Hug

Do you have a go-to love-affirming strategy at home?

I learnt this love-affirming strategy known as the 20 Seconds Hug from Dr. Andrea Mayrhofer in a Positive Parenting Workshop in 2013.

It does take much out of me when I need a strong love-ammo to deal with sibling rivalry, amongst others. Over time, I come to appreciate that this simple method works for my stressed out spouse too.

Hug tightly. Count silently from 1-20 or say "I love you very much, baby *insert name here*."

The Little Girl was going through a rough patch emotionally after she had realised that Bean is here to stay and that she could not just return him to the hospital or stuff him back into my belly. After many doses of The 20 Seconds Hug peppered with back rubs and kisses on her cheeks, she throws hardly any tantrums now compared to before.

Bean gets his fair share of 20 seconds hugs too because he sometimes goes through separation anxiety when he is being dropped off at The Playschool, or sees me leaving home for The Big School with his elder sister.

Works 80% of the time, and is good enough for me.

My liberal dose of 20 seconds hugs at other times of the day:

- before I hit the shower/use the bathroom

- before I start any chore at the kitchen or laundry area

- before tucking The Little Girl in for the night

When I am very lucky, they give me the 20 seconds hug! You'd be surprised how long 20 seconds feels like just being present in that moment. 

The Eleventh Month

It took me forever to get to the eleventh month with The Little Girl, and comparatively shorter with Bean. Being busy with life, laundry and school run had led me to this illusion. 

The days and nights have merged into passing months without me fully grasping weeks and dates! Such flurry. Such haste.

Bean now says, "Dadadada" when calling The Other Half, utters what clearly sounds like "I want my Dadadada" when The Other Half is away for work related matters (utterance of which makes me swoon at his full sentence since a couple of months ago).

The swooning does not stop there. Bean reserves his happy squeals and mischief for The Little Girl, whom he addresses as "chechecheche" which sounds like Jie Jie in Mandarin. Bless! She is a very loving sister, territorial and possessive at the same time. Sibling rivalry has toned down but not dwindled into oblivion. Not just yet.

The most special sentence to me is at night before his night feed at bed time. "I want my mama" with the unmistakeable and distinct cry for milk if I were busy reading to The Little Girl. His way of asking for my undivided attention, direct latch and cradle to sleep before The Other Half places him into his cot for the night.

The point is, babies grow at their own pace. While Bean is only standing up by pulling himself up and gently lowering himself down again, others have started walking. 

Some eat better than others.

Some sing more than others.

Oh, Bean! We would not have you any other way. Thank you for brightening lives with your cackles and antics. Alhamdulillah!

Reading

The Little Girl can independently read now *hip hip hurrah!*

Come bed time, she still wants me to read her the same few stories though. 

I suspect she just wants to bond, to the exclusion of Bean.

Awwww...

Resume Playschool

How is your new year going so far?

The first day of Playschool resumed on 6th of January and I was pleased with regaining some "me time", as well as "Bean time".

No guilt whatsoever. 

December had never felt like such a long month...

I drove The Little Girl to school and back on the first day. Just us two. Me behind the wheels, her in her Recaro all belted in. Only the sound of BFM filled the morning air as she anticipated her new class and new teacher along with some new friends to be made.

During the drive home in the afternoon, her cheerful banter recounting her first day back at Playschool confirmed that a good morning had been had with some friends from her previous class/level.

We chit chat about everything random that crosses her mind, making for refreshing topics every single time.

"Why are the clouds not coming down as rain yet? Why is the cement mixer wet? Where is this taxi going? Why do people have to go somewhere all the time? Where are my cousins? Why is Grandma and Grandad on holiday when it is a school day? Why, Mummy, why?"

I do not know which question to answer first. Perhaps she doesn't need an answer, just by my listening to her question is sufficiently validating?

Her latest request is that those school run is "our thing, Mummy".

Yes, baby, it will be.

It will be.

I miss her just as much. I miss her "just you and I" self so very much.

This is love, right?

Grandad Gets To Babysit

The Little Girl insisted on buying this for her dinner last night. 

So I mixed it up for her. 

In her favourite bowl.

Guess what she said?

"Looks like wallpaper glue!"

Here is why:

Get it? 

She is a drama queen! Sigh...

Back to reading more bed time stories!

Positive Disciplining

The Other Half, Bean and I attended a workshop on positive disciplining from 9.30 am to 5 pm the day Bean turned 4 months.

Bean is, of course, the youngest participant at the workshop. He slept, nursed, burped, got changed and played throughout the time we spent at the play school hall role playing, discussing, sharing experience and trouble shooting behavioural issues of his elder sister and her peers.

It was organised by the play school The Little Girl attends. The session shed light on some of the power struggle areas, ways to recognise and resolve trouble areas and alternative resolutions available for long term implementation at home.

So we now know for sure that Bean is a very cute threat to his elder sister! She has been acting out because she craves attention, needs to be heard, wants to matter and belong etc. in short, sibling rivalry.

By the way, the thinking chair and physical disciplining do not work as many studies have shown. 

If you are keen to know more, go to www.therelational.com.sg or look up Andrea Mayrhofer.

Awesome, awesome parenting and living skills to have! Alhamdulillah we were given this opportunity to participate.

When I first received the email from the play school, I not only had to arrange for my MIL to watch The Little Girl and coax The Other Half to sign up, I also had to make sure that the workshop speaker allows for Bean to come along. Alhamdulillah everything worked out and Allah truly answered my prayers.

Kudos to The Other Half as well. He is one of the 2 fathers in the workshop, and we were the only complete set of parents who signed up amongst all the teachers, care givers and parents group.

Now, off I go to sleep. It has been a very long, productive day and night! The dialogue between The Other Half and I had been so lively my frontal brains are quite overloaded, over-stimulated and in need of some winding down...

Do share if you have similar experience in trying to equip yourself with parenting skills! Which speaker did you meet? How did it help? Are you satisfied with its long term implementation and results?

Night night!

An update after 2 days of applying our new skills: improvement in trouble-shooting, prevention of escalation of tantrum, lesser use of borderline abusive words and actions, quicker offer of corrective solution and attention. Phew!!

Love Hate

That pretty much sums up how The Little Girl and Bean are like, sometimes.

How do you cope with your pre-schooler and baby? Do share!