Getting To Know Myself

Salam my lovelies,

In order to cope with my recent low period, I tried recalling all the best moments from my past. Akin to Timeline Therapy, yes.

This process really did lift me up, one memory at a time. It is like rediscovering who I was, with objective of understanding myself again.

No wonder History is an important subject. Lessons, lessons, lessons.

Through understanding my past, I am able to move forward, lighter and happier.

I have since:

1. Purchased my favourite Mont Blanc green ink refill. I used to mark my drafts with green ink and my former Boss would automatically recognise my mark. His was violet so when he returned my draft covered in violet I can gauge if it was going to be a late night at work or a bye bye at 5.30 pm. Those were the days before I abused Word with "Track Changes".

2. Reconnected with my former hairstylist from is back from Paddington, New South Wales after 3 years abroad. He gave me my former best hairstyle, and we chat about suburbs in NSW like old chums. Oh dear, we are old chums!

3. Daily messages with my BFF. We are so blessed to have one another despite the distance. It just makes everything we are facing more bearable. On top of that, I have a few of my close girl friends and fellow mums to keep their eyes on me. Thank you, my lovelies. 

4. Carve out a few minutes daily just for myself. Sanity break! I usually choose to spring clean, reorganise sections of my closet, shop online, try out new scent at the perfume section, pray or whatever makes me fulfilled. Once, I took my time applying my skin moisturiser and I felt good all day long! Work of any kind is strictly excluded and so far, work has not suffered. Phew!

If you feel this is my mid-life crisis, bear with me. I don't know where this will take me but I know it will be better than where I was. 

Have you revamped/rediscovered yourself lately with Timeline Therapy? Try it, and please do share your experience! 

The End?

Salam my lovelies,

I have been going through a rough period pretty much on my own about appreciating The Other Half since the end of last year when we were constantly falling ill and holidays were cancelled one after another all in quick succession.

I questioned myself if I were just in this marriage for the easy portion (because I would like to kick my own derrière if this the case!). We endured two surgeries, scoring one each also in quick succession. By the grace of Allah swt, I survived the tough period quietly.

Our marriage needs fine-tuning. I am tired. Tired of constantly existing and persevering without "sparkles".

The one night hospital stay recharged me. The big bouquet of flowers helped reinforce the sweetness and love The Other Half could express because one of the nurses who saw him related to me how he brought it, and waited for me.

It did not resolve that easily. The Other Half slipped into manic depression, with the highs being euphoric and the lows in the gutter of gutters. The kids got the brunt of it. So did I.

Something had to be done because I was crying daily. 

Then I reached out to someone dear to me who stayed close to monitor, encourage and uplift me. Thank you, my dear. Thank God for you.

How has this improved my situation with The Other Half? Why was this phase a test?

On his good days:

I start to appreciate The Other Half again for who he is, to me, in the gentle and respectful way he treats me as the mother to his children, and his life partner. 

The little things like fetching my cup of English Breakfast Tea with just the right amount of milk without any sugar served just at its perfect drinking temperature when I nurse Bean. 

The medium things like sending Girl to The Big School when I am flat out tired and unfit to drive in the morning after a particularly clingy Bean stayed up all night and letting me nap when I suffer from broken sleep the night before.

The major things like making sure all bills are paid on time, and always being prudent. He provides to the best of his ability and I am thankful.

On his bad days:

The bad was so bad I am not going to list it here. Suffice to say the list is longer than my gratitude list. It went downhill so fast I did not have time to comprehend what was going on.

Luckily, I got a good contact from my pillar of strength. I sought the help of a professional counsellor and we carved out my options as well as useful pointers of how I can improve the situation.

A bird's eye view, emotional SWOT analysis and action plan.

One of the things to do is to send The Other Half for an assessment so that he can cope better too. A lifestyle modification plan! I am glad he sees this as an opportunity to move forward happier instead of groping in the dark and damaging everyone and everything around him. 

We were so close to losing this marriage and family. It was that bad.

May Allah swt protect and guide us into the 7th anniversary. Amin.

Eid Mubarak

Salam, my lovelies.

I am happy you are all celebrating joyously with family and friends. Journey mercies, happy holidays and catch up again soon, inshaAllah.

For all the private emails and messages to encourage me during my recent low mood, thank you and may Allah swt bless your good deed abundantly.

If you feel lethargic from all that rendang, lemang, cookies and sugary syrup...drop me an email at hannah.zulkifli@gmail.com if you want to reset/reboot your health/need a gym buddy. I will be glad to cheer you on and provide some emotional support. We can do it!

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin.

The Low

Hello my lovelies,

I have not been posting because of some personal struggles. Emotional and faith battles within me during this Holy Month is presently still making me feel all dry and empty.

On the other hand, possibilities of overcoming the tests and invaluable emotional support from a few close friends are easing the knots up a little. For them, I am truly grateful. Thank you, my lovelies. 

One day at a time. 

I sincerely hope lessons in life is what is changing me, for the better. So much is at stake that I back down from fear of making the wrong decisions affecting lives of loved ones.

One day at a time.

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

One day at a time.

Ramadhan Kareem

Salam my lovelies,

I bet you have seen this a lot in the last two days:

...and...

Here is wishing everyone a fruitful blessed month and may all our ibadah and good deeds be pleasing and accepted by Allah swt.

Big Yellow Bus

Bean rode on The Big Yellow Bus for the first time in his life yesterday from The Playschool to a concert hall.

When Girl did the same last time, I was that security/stalker mum but this time, I am that relaxed mum who goes to her appointments knowing that The Playschool will do a safe and fabulous job in caring for the little ones under their charge. 

He had gone to The Playschool in his circus design yellow pajamas (matching set) earlier but in the photo sent by one of the new security/stalker mums on duty, Bean was seen wearing his green London Zoo tee with red shorts.

When he came home, he was wearing the green London Zoo tee with his yellow zoo pajama pants. 

What is with his sense of fashion lately?!

I bet he is going to ask for his shark tee again and calm down once I explain Aunty M can only iron it this Saturday. God bless Aunty M. 

When I asked if he was excited about The Big Yellow bus, he said nothing. Girl was so in love with The Big Yellow Bus back in 2012, 2013 and 2014! 

Let's see if he will notice and report anything after his next ride.

BeansTalk: Pajamas

Bean wore his favourite car design pajama top and matched it against his favourite elephant pajama pants after his shower.

When I saw his mismatched pajamas set, I asked,"So, you have a car top with elephant pants on."

Bean replied,"Is it nice? Do you like it?"

Gotta love his big smile and confidence!